What if...

What if you asked for a red convertible for your 16^th birthday, and you got it? What if you asked for the lead role in the school play and the drama coach gave it to you? What if you asked God to bless you with a million dollars, and you received it on your doorstep? What if you asked for an all expense paid trip to Hawaii, and it became reality? These are fun scenarios to think about, but what happens when you insert a prayer you have been praying about for a long time, and what if……God answers it in a way that breaks your heart? What if you never find the ‘right’ life mate? What if you never do get out of debt? What if your lost child never does come back to Christ? What if you are never able to have your own child/ren?

What if you decide to surrender everything to the Lord, no matter what?

Since Kerrie Roberts released her song, No Matter What in 2010, I have listened to it multiple times. Each time I get the same feeling: trusting and surrendering.

 

No Matter What by: Kerrie Roberts

I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I, keep asking why, I keep asking why,



No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.



When I’m stuck in this nothing-ness by myself, I’m just sitting in silence, there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you'll be my strength,



No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.



Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You



No matter what I’m gonna still love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, if not, I’ll trust You, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what no matter what no matter no matter what

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQyXltkrzn8

You see, Kerrie says it best – I need to trust God with my life and my circumstances no matter what He throws at me. The line that I have talked to Cole about on numerous occasions is, “Anything I don’t have you can give it to me, but it’s ok if you don’t.” When I step outside of fleshly/earthly desires and wants, I realize that I have everything I need in my relationship with the Lord. So, if He does not grant us our desire to have a child, we understand and believe that HE is enough. Some days are easier than others to ‘own’ that statement. But, when it comes down to it, I am blessed with what the Lord has given me in His son going to the cross for me.

In reflection of trusting, surrendering, and understanding God’s love, here is a passage that gives me hope and encouragement written by Paul in Romans and a quote from Brennan Manning in Ruthless Trust:

"No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:37-39

“God loves us just as we are, not as we should be. There is nothing we can do to increase his love for us and nothing to diminish it.”

Brennan Manning

 

It is through God’s unfathomable love for me that I find joy this week.

Trusting can be hard

Take yourself back to your first year of college….once there, imagine yourself as you prepared and took your first test. Are you there? Maybe you cannot recall your first test or maybe the whole experience is lumped into ‘one’ memory. Imagine…. that there is no ‘study guide’ for the test, and you study EVERYTHING you think you will possibly need to recall. You trust in your studying abilities and are confident in taking the test. Alarmingly, as you sit down and look at the test in your hard wood seat, it is nothing like you had expected. NOTHING you studied is on the test. What is wrong with this professor?!

I am sure you can relate to this shocked student in some way, shape, or form. This experience parallels with my last appointment, as it was not what I expected. In the moment I was unhappy, frustrated, doubtful, and sad. It was like the invisible balloon that I carried into the office with me had been popped and deflated. I trusted my body was ‘good to go.’ I guess it would be fair to say I was angry with God. Thankfully, in the past few days He has surrounded me with the right people, words, and music to help “steady my heart.” This phrase comes from the song I have been playing on repeat in my car:

Steady my Heart by: Kari Jobe

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart [x2]
I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan

And I will run to You
You're my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart [x2]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0ip40j82ws

The lyrics that speak to me the most are the ones that talk about trusting, not worrying, and knowing that God has me in the palm of His hand. Envisioning myself in someone’s palm seems unrealistic; however when I think about myself in the palm of God’s hand – somehow it feels reassuring and comforting.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

With the timing of everything, I have found joy in returning to some ‘structure’ as I started back with meetings this week, and have students tomorrow. I am trusting that God will guide me to instruct and relate well to students, staff, and parents this school year. It is my hope that students have a positive experience in the classroom and feel prepared for any sort of ‘test’ that comes their way – I certainly do not want them to have an experience like the college student described above!

Perseverance Like…

Ah, the Olympics: LOVE. Watching the entirety of the games brings me pure joy! No matter what the event is, the athletes endured hours upon hours, and years upon years of training. Through the highs and lows of their training, all of their eyes were fixed on a shared goal: earning the chance to compete at the Olympics in London. To take it a step further, their ultimate vision is to earn a gold medal. I can relate to the athletes on two different levels. One, being a former athlete, I know the blood, sweat, and tears poured into a sport for the common goal of succeeding on the court, field, or track. Two, being in the trenches of wanting a child, we are so fixed on the end result of wanting a child that we have also poured out blood, sweat, and tears along the way. In light of the Olympic athletes and our current state of perseverance I have been reminded of a passage in Hebrews:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3

                Okay, hold onto that passage for a moment……the past week and a half my mind has been flooded with thoughts of perseverance and endurance. These internal discussions were prompted from the Beth Moore study I am doing in James. If you ever have a chance to pick up one of her studies, do it! She is very impactful. This past week she had us read James chapter five. Give it a look if you have a minute. Here are the two verses that spoke to me the most:

¹⁰ Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. ¹¹ As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.        

James 5:10-11

                Wow. First of all, if you are unfamiliar with Job’s life, I would recommend reading about it at some point in time: very humbling. Basically, EVERYTHING was taken from Job and he still decided to trust and honor God in all that he did. Job persevered through the hardship of losing his wife, his children, his extended family, his home, and his livestock. He did not lose sight of God’s faithfulness and goodness. Job is my new favorite bible character.

                Thanks for holding onto the Hebrews passage from up above. Do you see why I chose it? What race are you currently running? Who am I to sit down here on earth and question the meaning behind persevering for a child? Look at the example provided in the passage: JESUS. He not only endured the cross for our sins, he JOYFULLY did this.

                In pursuit of joy this week I have found a new meaning to perseverance. Recalling the attitude of Job and Jesus are helpful reminders that I too, can persevere. And like it says at the end of James 5:11, the Lord is full of compassion: he has my ‘good’ in mind at all times. And finally, I would like to leave you with a profound quote from Beth Moore’s lesson about James 5:10-11,

 “God knows how everything will turn out. And, for every single person who belongs to Him, it turns out well. We are not the exceptions.”

Lacking May Bring Good

In the words of Beth Moore, “What is something you’ve wanted for a long while that you do not have? Has anything good or beneficial come to you or to others as a result of your lack?”

I have been thinking about these questions for some time now. The obvious answer to the first question is that I want a child. Question two poses a less obvious answer, because I still do not have what I desire. However, the more I reflect upon the question, the more I can see God’s hand in the ‘good’ He has given us as we ‘lack’ what we desire. Here are some of my recent thoughts on benefits from lacking:  

1.       The opportunity to watch our family and friends raise their children. If you are someone who has a child – THANK YOU for allowing us to be a part of your parenting/family experiences. You are truly role models in our lives. It is through you that we have learned the pros and cons of different parenting styles. Through our interactions with you and your child/ren we have had more ‘exposure’ to being around little ones.  

2.       This leads me to my second benefit of babysitting and working in the children’s ministry. Babysitting makes it pretty real: thank you to those of you who have given me this opportunityJ  Teaching middle schoolers on a regular basis may give me a glimpse of what parenting adolescents will look like down the road, but having the chance to work with preschoolers at church has been a fun outlet for Cole and me. They are so cute!

3.       One of the greatest ‘goods’ gained from this journey has been new found relationships. Some of my dearest friends are those whom I may have never talked to had it not been for our circumstances. If I had to endure a waiting period for a child, I would do it over again so that I could gain the friends that I have now. Love you all!

4.       And finally, the most significant ‘good’ that has come of this is God’s sovereignty and plan for our lives. -  Philippians 4:19: And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.  Even though it may be difficult at times, Cole and I have learned that God ultimately wants what is best for us and will take care of us no matter what. The Lord has captured our attention and during this waiting time drawn us closer to Him.

“You are For Me” by Kari Jobe

VERSE 1
So faithful, so constant
So loving and so true, so powerful in all you do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

CHORUS
I know that you are for me I know that you are for me
I know that you will never, forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are

VERSE 2
So patient, so gracious
So merciful and true, so wonderful in all you do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move, You love for me to sing to you

CHORUS

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMyZLYCxINo

And my final thought revolves around yet another impactful song. As I drove home from my second trip to Ankeny this evening, “You are For Me” came on. I was silenced as I reflected on the meaning of the lyrics in my life: I found the bolded lyrics to be most meaningful this evening. Regardless of what I think I NEED, in pursuit of JOY, this song helps me to see that God’s faithfulness and constant presence is enough.

Why?

               Do you ever find yourself at a loss for words? Speechless? If you have been in conversations with me, you know that I am rarely at a loss for wordsJ. This week has been one of speechlessness.

                Think back to a time when you had something taken from you and were never able to get it back. Perhaps a toy when you were young or a last second shot that did not go in the basket. Or maybe you have lost something/someone as tangible as a life. Herein lies my speechlessness for the week: WHY ? Why do bad things happen to ‘good’ people, why do people lose their jobs, why do people lose a loved one? Why do babies not make it full term? WHY?

                 Being totally transparent, my question for God this week has simply been, ‘why?’ I was visiting with a few friends about cancer earlier this week. We came to the conclusion that cancer will sadly affect everyone in some way, shape or form – whether it is directly or indirectly. Why would God allow cancer to affect so many people? This is near and dear to my heart this week, as my uncle lost his battle with cancer this morning. WHY?

                Another speechless moment of the week was learning that a dear friend lost the baby she was carrying. WHY? Maybe the reason why I am so speechless is because I know the feeling of losing a baby and wishing it was mine to hold. Since I am into the all or nothing approach this evening, I am guessing that if you have not had a miscarriage of your own, you know a friend or family member who has. When we entered marriage, no one ever warned us of the possibility of miscarriages; in fact, I did not know of anyone who had experienced one, so why would I need to worry about it? When we signed up to be ‘adults’ my parents forgot to mention that it was not going to be rainbows and butterflies everyday (even though I still like to live in this world as often as possibleJ).  The reality is that losing someone or something inevitably occurs in life….sometimes more frequently than we think it should.

                 So where is the JOY in the middle of all this sadness? In the middle of it all, in the storms of life, God has been here to hold my hand. He has been here to strengthen me. I am reminded of this verse in Isaiah that I turn to often for encouragement:

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

                God has never left my side – even when I have treated Him poorly. He has been here this week even when I thought He was the worst God ever for allowing bad things to happen to people I love. I had an ‘aha’ moment this afternoon when I was listening to my iPod while working out. The song How He Loves by David Crowder Band came through my ear buds:   

“How He Loves” by David Crowder Band

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way...

He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWgeUrD4MHI

                I have never seen a hurricane, but I have witnessed some nasty storms. This vivid picture of God holding onto me during the torrential downpour, winds, thunder, and lightening reassures me that everything is going to be okay – EVEN if I never understand WHY life unfolds the way it does. He loves me, He sent His son to die for me, what more do I need?

                In reference to my WHY questions of the week, my best answer is the all-encompassing love of God surrounding me. In the midst of our losses, no matter how great they are, He is here. Maybe the troubles we go through down here on earth are to bring Him glory. Maybe they are so that we can comfort those who go through similar trials. Maybe the troubles are to draw us nearer to Him. So, as I reflect upon the happenings of this week, I am blessed to serve a God who truly loves me (and youJ).

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

Blessings all around us

Are you a singer? Do you tend to drive with the music blasting and your lungs on fire because you are singing so loudly? That is often what the inside of my super charger sounds and looks like. Can you picture it?! However, the noise decibel vastly decreases when a new or unfamiliar song comes on. There is a song by Group 1 Crew that has been on the radio for awhile now; it was not until recently that I really paid attention to the lyrics:  

“He Said” By: Group 1 Crew Featuring Chris August

So your life feels like it don't make sense
And you think to yourself, "I'm a good person,
So why do these things keep happening? "
Why you gotta deal with them
You may be knocked down now, but don't forget
What He said, He said

"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know, I'll never, ever let you go"
Don't you forget what He said
Don't you forget what He said, He said

Who you are ain't what you're going through
So don't let it get the best of you
'Cause God knows everything you need
So you ain't gotta worry
You may be knocked down now, but just believe what He said

He said "I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know I'll never ever let you go"
Don't you forget what He said

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Stand strong when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said

"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break"

"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know I'll never ever let you go"
Don't you forget what he said

He said, what he said
Don't you forget what he said
What he said

        Meditating on what I was singing along to in the chorus and verses, I realized that the song has meaning and is actually true. I am not going to break because of my fertility journey, nor am I going to break if I end up driving the super charger for the rest of my life. J I have the support of Cole, family, and friends to walk this journey with me; even better yet, Jesus left me the Holy Spirit to comfort and guide me along the way. The song provoked me to look up different verses that ‘HE SAID’ to us. The one in Hebrews 13:5 struck a nerve with me:

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

        I like this verse for multiple reasons. Throughout all of my life, I have never been alone. I have always had Mom, Dad, Kira, or Tyler around. In college, I always had my teammates around. And currently, I always have Cole around. What I sometimes forget is that I always have God with me. So, in the times when Cole cannot answer my phone call or my Mom is not able to reply to my text, I can lean on the comfort of the Lord, knowing He will never leave my side.    

        The second reason I love this verse is because it talks about being content. Contentment has been a word that has stood out to me in the past four years. It has reminded me to focus on what I am blessed with in life and not was I am missing out on. In pursuit of joy each day, this verse has reminded me to count my blessings: the grace that God gives me daily, the loving husband I have to be with for the rest of my life, my health, my family, my friends, my church, my home, my job, my neighborhood, my vehicle, my electronics, my, my, my, my, my…… the list could go on and on. Being content in my current life circumstances has also taught me to appreciate the activities I am able to participate in with Cole, family, and friends – before children enter the picture. For example, it would be pretty difficult to take a new born to a 94 degree baseball game at Target Field; or to the pool on a 97 degree day; or out to all of my girl lunch dates; or to latest 3D Spiderman movie. In the words of my wise friend, Sarah, ‘I am truly blessed!’

My Thoughts. My Ways. My Plans

Are you a planner? Do you like to have things organized? Do you like to get your way? Do you often have the best ideas EVER? Well, my answer is yes to all four of these questions. I am a person who operates best when I have a plan for the day, for a lesson, for a vacation, for exercising, for shopping, etc. I like it when I am organized and have things in their place. I like to get my way, and as Cole likes to tell me, ‘not everything is always going to go your way Chels.’ I often smile and say, ‘but I can do my best to make it happenJ’ Many times I think that my ideas are grand and awesome. For example, I thought it was a great idea to buy our Buick ‘Supercharged’ Regal……and now all it does is cause us problems!

In alignment with our current desire to have a child, I thought that when we decided to start ‘trying’ in September of 2008 that it would go according to ‘my pre-set plan.’ I thought that God would answer our prayers and we would have a child within six months to a year. Oh, was I ever wrong. After a year of trying and not having any success, we knew that this may be a challenging journey. So, the next idea was to try some holistic treatments. This was very helpful for my overall health and in preparing my body to have a baby. We continued along this path, until January 2012 when we had reached the point of wanting a different form of assistance in our hope for a child. So, here in lays our current journey of taking fertility medication. There have been stop signs, yield signs, detours signs, and do not enter signs along this journey. I am not opposed to medical intervention to assist me in getting pregnant, but I honestly never wanted to get to this point. In my little ‘Chelsey world’ fertility medication and treatments were not a part of my ‘pre-set plan.’ So, you can imagine my disappointment when my/our bodies would not cooperate within my ‘plan.’ Within the past four months, I have really been drawn to this passage that Isaiah wrote:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

You see, all along the best plan was how I thought our fertility journey should be/look like. I rarely stopped to ask God what He truly wanted our journey to look like. Through reading scripture, prayer, and fellowship with friends and family, I have come to realize that God’s ways and thoughts are ALWAYS going to be better than my ways and my thoughts. This passage has been comforting as we walk this journey and so badly want God’s thoughts to align with our immediate thoughts down here on earth.

As I was driving home last night the song, “If You Want Me To,” by Ginny Owens came on the radio. I was quickly immersed in the lyrics of the song. I bolded the lyrics that especially spoke to me in her song. What a great reminder that even though the path He has chosen for me may not be the one I would have chosen, I can still cling to Him in the valley or the peak of the mountain.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone (yeah oh oh)

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the sufferin' Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

'Cause when I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMKp4g_ZrGk

And finally, here is a picture we took when we visited Estes Park in Colorado back in September of 2009. It is a great reminder to me that down below in the valley is a rainbow. Seeing rainbows in the sky bring an instant smile to my face. Seeing this picture assures me that God’s plan is perfect and that there will be a rainbow while we are on this journey – we simply have to look for it.